Desi Midget, yea that's me.

I didn’t realise I was a short one until I turned 24. Until I moved out of home and lived with people who were gracious enough to point it out to me. Don’t imagine me as kid – I am not. I am around the same height as Mila Kunis (ya, that’s how I want you to think) but really I am not how it looks on her.

I mean, some people know to carry anything with elegance; clearly it’s not one of my gifts. I can’t carry a tote with elegance, damn it.

Being a short girl is easy. It wasn't an issue until articles like these started making rounds. I don’t have any of those advantages. My shoe sizes are on par with tall ones. No one finds excuses to touch me unnecessarily and gets away with it. Irrespective of one’s height, if a human becomes a hippo – it shows. This brings me to think who writes articles like these. I mean, they should conduct a survey of sorts among short ones. May be, even categorise as really short ones, just –right-short ones because the problems really vary. The short Indian woman is not exactly petite – she is just vertically challenged, many times horizontally well endowed.

Anyway, I thought I will make a list of the advantages of being a short person. A real list with no out of world stuff, like shopping in kids section!

 Leg Room – This is the BIGGEST advantage I can think of. I travel on budget airlines mostly and crib if       there isn’t any leg room (wrong, I know). Seeing 6 feet men struggle with limited spaces is fun.

We don't bend – I have never bent my head to pass under low ceilings, branches, temple doors etc. 

Can sleep anywhere – My feet have never hung over a bed, ever.

Always 'young' – Ok, this is an unfair advantage. Humans tend to associate height with growing up, so for some reason I am always mistaken to be younger than I actually am. Personally, I think I look just about right but hey, no complaining on this.

Cooking is an adventure – In this house, most of my groceries are on overhead shelves. I climb up on the counter almost every day. This is exactly how it looks! Ya, laugh aloud.

I can think of one disadvantage – tall girls look better in a sari. I look like a misplaced midget wearing a sari.

Those baby steps

Circa early 90’s - It was utter chaos in our household. The first born is going to her first day school. The dad was polishing shoes and the mom was checking her snack box for the fifth time. She has never been away from her kid for more than fifteen minutes. However, the kid seems absorbed in her gaze of shiny books and slowly dangles her feet for the dad to fasten shoes.

They walk on the small lane to primary school. The way is filled with doubts – did I manage to get the right shade for her pinafore, why is her hair still messy, did I keep a spoon along. She talks on how to use her hand towel, to finish the lunch fully, to not talk during a class, to smile often, to keep eyes closed during prayers. The kid refuses to participate and keeps making stories from what she sees around. Her answers are standard.  I-know-it-all look and an only-three-teeth smile.

7.45 am, this morning – It is a sunny morning as she sat down with her tea. I am still asleep and a familiar voice shakes me out from slumber. Precisely, it has been two years and fourteen days from the last day I had to wake up by this alarm to work. A still sleepy I walk out to see her sipping tea and reading a book. A hug and some clean up later, we chat with a mug of tea and she listens patiently to my never ending dose of instructions. 

I keep reminding her to keep the door locked, to take keys when she goes for a walk, to remember and use the favorites on chrome, to not sit and scrub every window until it is clean. I also ask the same questions for the last 72 hours – if she wants me to subscribe to Indian channels, if she knows how to use the bathroom showers, if there is enough of this and that in the pantry, if she knows the nearest bus routes. Her answers are standard. I-am-your-mom look with I-can-manage smile.

I am too young to comment on bigger stuff but if there is something beautiful about being a daughter, it is watching your mom use YouTube at ease and send a what’sapp message to ask if I reached office on time. I am pleasantly surprised to see this circle of feelings, care giving and roles. Talking about taking baby steps, I think it will always be me. 

The mom is here, and I am in delirious joy. 

Stories to share!

The first post need not be this for a new year. But like how it goes, this is on my mind. Rather, they are on my mind. It was a totally different game before family came over. One whole year went strong and would have gone all too if only I had not known how it feels to have them here.

For a multitude of reasons, me and my mom are great buddies. So much that I am yet to met anyone who hits on that chord or laughs at a wink for an unspoken joke. She has certainly got strong influences on me, both genetically and behaviourally. Good or not, I don't know but it is not easy to miss someone at all.

I have missed people and cribbed, written poems(!) on it too but this one is way too heavy. The trains, buses and walkways are filled with them. Argh, had i known it would be this bad, I would have flown down instead.

We had a whale of time,unquestionably one of the best vacations ever. In many ways, this was the best way to end 2011. The year saw certain milestones for us. From a huge question mark on when I am going to study again to a successful convocation, from my lonely worried sleepless nights of job hunting to one helluva job I do, from a decade old unused passport to making Amma 's first ever foreign trip happen- I really should not be complaining. Yea, that way I am insatiable. I need the cake, the pie and even the cute plate it is on.

Suddenly, Singapore looks all ugly. I was all awing at the safety and beauty but as loneliness gets bad, it simply looks monotonous. May be I should switch to a better mood or just imagine driving through saidapet in my Scotty. I will instantly love this place.

Grumpy mood led me to The Brownie factory. Does no help to an oily face,but a teeny part of me still hopes chocolate makes everything better. I spent a good seven minutes going through the fourteen choices( I swear! If you are from SG, you must make it as a resolution to buy one even week) and I chose the salted caramel brownie. Such a pain my pea sized brain is to choose the only salty option when I carved some sweetness. It probably is not bad, but I kinda thought it was horrible. What a grump my mood is in!

Before the devil cribs again, I will leave this post to rest

By the way, this post is entirely typed and posted from the new iPhone ( show off, me!)

Wish you a blessed 2012!

That's the way it is

Things have a way of working out. Friends turning into non-friends and tasty morsels turning into porridge.

People are not like preserves. They almost always come with an expiry date. Or at least a 'best before' date. The sick thing is that you get so used to them, that the taste still lingers. One familiar place, a taste, a song almost instantly turns time back and leaves it static for me to jolt out of it. To top it all, you now also know that the so called people never considered you important. It pains because you also know how you treat the people you do not consider important. Oh, the pains of knowing, realizing hard stuff.

If all this was too complicated to wonder, I turn to simpler(!) stuff. Like having a good hair style - and hell, it does not work out. My hair is the most untameable element I have ever seen. Too short may not really suit me, or so I think. Long is terrible, especially with crazy fungi and sweat residing. BodyShop, FaceShop and Garnier - I would like to divorce all of you. Even the shihakai podi that worked back home makes hair feel like hay here. Its the climate, the lack of proper rest, food and all that jazz. All I need is a smart, manageable hair. And yea, I suck at maintenance and upkeep. I do not like combing, taming and spend hours bothering about it. Neither do I think it looks nice always.

As I told, I need balance. In everything - from my head to my heels. Oh, the story of my chapped heals. That's the way it is.

Till I reach there.

It is amazing of how a change in a place, change in the kind of people we meet can influence the inner person.I find a million changes in perspectives from within, and I am so not sure of how the hell it is going to change me. Waiting and watching it all unfold is going to be a experience. I can say, I am getting more philosophical, than I ever was. I am less judgemental, so dont know if that is good or bad!

Relationships have always baffled me. I think I am there, when I realize it is the wrong bus, or sometimes the wrong route itself. The detour process is painstakingly exhausting and the only way I know to go through it is to enjoy it. Cynic as it may sound, I am now chiseled enough to spare a half-tear and walk off. Just like that. I wish I could say the same to the baggage, unfortunately I carry quite some along.

I know some day, I will be there. Accepting someone, other than myself just as it is. As of today, I have super serious issues with the idea of even getting along, forget hooking up. And I am weird enough to say that, even when I am with one fantastic person. I have done that. I know.

Reflective blog, not so open for judgments now,

Eating Out...and Feeling Empty...

A self confessed and a obsessed foodie that I am, I love dining out. My home makes some of the best foods I have ever had, but still a local dine out option is never a no from me. Thankfully, my systems are pretty reselient and my tastes are varied - I never have a problem in eating anywhere as long as it is hygenic and tasty. I dont know if what I read is true about the recession curbing eating out habits, but it is true that I dont like to spend much on a dining. Call it being conservative, but to me 5 star hotels dont appeal a tad more than a good meal with lovely company. At the star hotels, I prefer those with quaint surroundings ( Above Sea Level, Park ) types to the noidy clatter at Dakshin and Mainstreet.

Last evening, 8 adults and 4 children - family and friends went for a dinner to Dakshin. We had kuzhi paniyarams, vazhapazham dosais, idiyappams,set dosais and parottas with delicious kuzhumbus and masalas. The food was yum. Desseert was Elaneer icecream for me :-). Loved it. Yet, yet - It is not worth Rs. 12500 at all.

I feel guilty. For spending so much money on one meal. It is saddening, and I feel so very small when I think of it. Possibly, the happiness of the meal should have satiated my guilt, but it does not do so. It only makes me feel more selfish.

At a time when I am trying to evolve and do someting meaningful than just live and fade, such experiences draw out the colour and make me look so faded and forlorn in the sphere of the globe.

Sickening when....

Colleagues walk around disillusioned, acting as though they don't even see you.

People walk around whispering plastic toxins about you - and hell, you know it!

Girls get very girly and guys get very guyeey. Sorry about the bad english

When people speak/write/read/hear bad english. That contradicts, yet, it is me.

When people don't accept ( read, not agree) contradictions and stick on to their own absolutely narrow ideas.

Same stories are spoken everyday. "i hate her - she did this - he looks like - i am going to" - grr, stop the shit!

When conclusions are drawn from a minute's acquaintance

I am beginning to use this blog as a cyber dustbin! 

Let go!

It is the easiest thing to do! Just to let go. This is what people tell you to do when you crib. It is a lot easier to do it when you know you can do it. But to me, most times - I just cannot let go. Or rather, I was not able to let go. And that's where BSP came into picture. For those who don't know what BSP is, it is expanded as Bhava Spandana Program and sadly, am not component enough to tell more about it. You can read on it here. It is a program that explores the interior in a person, and takes all trash that has been there for years and kind of makes one puke it all out and return back with a superior power and sense of accomplishment. Reading the last sentence now, does not seem to convey a fragment of what I felt then. Nevertheless, that is the closest I could come to.

Although Bhava Spandana did wonders and sent me out as a "day" old baby, the old big world out here is polluted and I do get dirty quite often. I get so filthy from head to toe that I don't even know where to go to search for water. I become one of those fighting pieces of plastic on a mass drain. And sadly, I am one who desperately wants to be flushed out, unlike plastic that just settles.

I just wish I had the power to Let Go of everything that disturbs me. Penned down some rambling lines, when I was thinking of this

Give me the power
To survive against fear
To fight with pride
And not fall through a slide


Give me the power
To realize all dreams
To dream with conviction
And be marooned in imagination

Give me the power
To talk as I wish to Him
To not give up on self
And rise to glory myself

Give me the power
To retain faith on you
To cross tides with it
And handle all with your wit

Give me the power
To remove all lens I use
To see the world that way it is
And handle it all in bliss

Give me the power
To be born every moment
To forgo thoughts and memories
And Let Go all sober memoirs
May make sense to me - and to you, when you feel like me!

Belief - To Live

Belief – The single magical word that irons out the creases of the muffled and worn out life. With innumerable instances in this crooked life of ours to point out, and times when just a single belief has straightens things out. Like raindrops that platter across the window before forming a puddle, there are drops and specks of beliefs that form a puddle of emotions in us. Like a stone forming ripples, it creates a plethora of rapid successive emotions, positive, energetic and flowing with the so called life. This belief pulls you away from drudgery, challenges you to think different and forces you to stand up for a fight. It mobilizes your inner senses and gives you a match stick to bleakly light your way. And, with that bleak luminosity you will find your track back to reach where you were. It is not a support system that helps you to find your identity, rather it is a caring hand that jus shows you where you need to be and says why you need not be where you are. This belief is not a heavenly one, neither is a blessing. It is a heartfelt wish, an emotional push to the heart that so badly disbelieves in life. I have had this belief in my life work wonders on me. Most times, when I have so badly wanted to let go or call it quits, I realize it is a momentary decision and invariably, this belief pops up to show its head. Still, the disbelief and drudgery that fills my heart is so strong, that I refuse to acknowledge this ray. I still want to cling on to misery, feel miserable, cry and then dry up to wet myself with tears again. As much as we want to stop feeling bad, it is the most comfortable to feel that way and the best thing to do then is to feel pathetic and hurt. In times like this, when you feel like pulling your hair apart, and detest your reflection – practice yourself to think of the belief that you strongly put your heart and soul in. It may not be a comfortable and an easy option, but it is the only one that can being you back to what you should be and not leave you in a sense of despair. Build on a single, strong belief in life. And, nurture it with all positive energy you know of. This shall guide you during times you lose the candle of faith. It shall pull you back to your laid path and not let you roam endlessly in worlds of thoughts. It will teach you to live a life, and not just exist it. To some, this belief may be God. To some, it may be a divine person or a guru. And, to some others it may be a belief on someone. To me, it is a soul that wants me smiling as well always. Times when my tears choke my speech, the belief that there is soul somewhere breathing, hoping you are smiling this instant and hoping you are not choking this manner – puts me back on track. Makes me feel on top of my world. Teaches me to smile at every instant. Takes me on a dream journey every time I fall. Pushes me down sometimes, but is always a person to whom I can go and tell – you pushed me down, and now please pull me up. And believe me, this person will actually smile, say I am not sorry – but I love you and pull you up. That’s what life needs. A fight, a tear, a smile and a bigger expression of love through a smile!!

Thank You!

With waves lapping at my feet, breeze tearing apart my locks, sands playing around my toes I was immersed in whiffing at the seaside air when I noticed a crab drifting away from the waves to the dunes nearby. Minutes later, I saw the wave move towards the crab's dune. The crab seemed to be in a conversation with the wave. Constantly lapping, and caressing each other. Seemed so beautiful. So Complete. And that set me thinking....What follows is a train of thoughts that took over me. Since then, I became two personalities - One thinking. Another Observing the Thinking One.

As much as i am proud, I am afraid of thinking of you, or talking to you much now days. Probably, it is because you have grown so much, that I am finding it difficult to address you easily. For the kind of knowledge, ability you possess, you ought to be living a better life. If this is what you feel, try and find who does not look at a better life. Everyone in the world wants a better life. A better job, a better salary, a better phone, a better wallet, a better house. These are all the "better's" we address in life. There are some other the not addressed better's. Lets look at some of them now. A better life partner, A better mother, A better family, A better self, A better life with a better society. These become some of the better's that you do not really voice out. Here I take the time to address them all, call them all, and to tell them all - that I needed a better in these aspects of life. A better way of living -by acknowledging the self. Thank You.


Life has shown me some beautiful pathways, quite rugged and rocky, but certainly smooth enough to protect my feet. Else, in places where it could not protect my feet, it gave me slippers to walk on, or pointed towards a softer moss to step up on. To show my gratitude, to say a heartfelt thanks to you, to make sure you reach the bottom of the heart and pull a strand of muscle from there, that stretches itself in gratitude to this life, that has made you what you are today, that has shown you to be what you are. Here I take the time to thank that life, that has made me walk safe amidst all slush and dirt.A safe journey, with enough bruises, that would heal in a day. Thank you.

My being so far, has been mostly good, and partly not so good. There are so many out there, whose beings have been partly so good, and mostly bad. I look upon all of them as teachers, as seniors in life - who have experienced something that I have not, and I probably would never do so. Let me take the time to think of one of them today, recall the life's lesson I learn there, and the trial that senior faced, that i would not or did not face yet. Let me dedicate a minute to that misery that passed that soul and the ripples it caused. Most importantly, let me make a constant and enduring effort to realize the way the system of life jumped back to normalcy and created harmony. Here I take the time to reach out to the past, to embrace it and to look at it as a memory. A friend's milestone to walk back to, sit for a while and dust and walk from on. Thank you.

When my being came into existence, I had no worries to carry. No baggage's to hold, except the tiny frail body and lots of dreams - unmeasurable, but priceless. As much as I grew aged, The force that was sent within to pursue never let a wrinkle pass by. It evolved into what it could, took what it should and became a sense of being within. That invisible source was never called for, never told to go through any course of education because all the while it never deviated from its path of serving me. Here I take the time to salute that spirit within, the powerful, mighty ray that runs through me and has made me to what i should be today. Thank You.

The list of such thankful notes shall extend till my being knows to think. To think, to reason, to analyse and to take decisions, to cry, to laugh, to feel, to smile, to hug, to kiss, to express, to be able to make love, give affection, show care, feel compassion - and above all, to live and not exist - there is a last person to thank a person. My Self. To that wonderful and passionate creature that finds happiness, joy and shares peace, looks at mistakes with the eye of a baby and immediately gets up and smiles at it . To that creation of Almighty - Thank you.