On why kids are not so cute.

rather..parents are not so cute!

Of all other things, India trips mean having to deal with noise. I am not acting posh here, but it has been a long time I heard constant noise at home. My room back home is like a four year old’s play pen. It is scattered with dangerous pointed toys ( beyblade, lego blocks ) and the bed looks like a Barbie doll dressed in pink. That cute and horrid.

I am no good with kids and have never had a single kid smile and play with me. There is a mutual dislike and a “we are good 200m away from each other” attitude. My family – dad, mom and the brother are the extreme (as it has to be). They are like the kid friendly meals in Komalas. With smiley shaped sauce and all. My brother can spend hours with a three year old watching random captain planet shows and my dad can lift and play with any, any child. He terrorizes some by asking random calculations, but that is fun. Mom is a class apart. She donates my stuff to them and makes badam cakes for them. She can also listen patiently about parenting woes and offer free advice on potty training.

I can watch Tom and Jerry, provided I get the bean bag, the remote and a plate of muruku. No sharing, please.

I was casually mentioning this to a friend, when she pounced on my lack of compassion and love for kids.  No big offence, but I really do not understand how we should find these cute, sweet and lovely.

·        A four year old’s mom is super proud about how her daughter spells her name perfectly.  My mom was equally pleased and made the kid spell is twice.  The kid’s mom also swears on some vitamin tablet crap for all this goodness.

What I say: Grow up and buy yourself a tape recorder. Keep playing it all day. Don’t stress the poor thing.  The same goes for making her repeat 1 to 50. It is not funny singing ABCD too.

·        So, M kutty is six years and walks to school (which is exactly 107 steps from apartment) by herself.  Her mom decides to give her Glucon-D only for the sun will suck all her water away.  And this brat will only have it cold. So her mom has to prepare and refrigerate it, because ice cubes are bad for the baby.

What I say: Agreed, big deal. I needed help to board an auto when I was six. But, please stop making her feel like PT Usha. Anyways, 30 kilos is obese for that age.

·        B Boy is now 2 years old. His parents are throwing a race car themed party. They have really cute looking red velvet cupcakes with fondant icing. They had costumes for kids and had hired motorcars for the kids who played bumping cars with arthiritis ridden thathas.

What I say: Seriously, what is with these wealthy parents? Why is your social status and confidence sitting inside that F1 costume party? Also, do not blame him if he asks for an I pad and decides a sleep over party for  1^st standard pass ceremony.

Before you totally declare me as a non-compassionate, insensitive jerk – this is what I do with kids. The only sane way to live there is to give myself the pleasure of conversations with semi-grown four year olds. That is, if I am stuck with them. Read on and you will know why we have the 200m thing.

·        I made the spelling bee champion listen to Amar Chitra Katha and made her spell Duryodhana thrice.  When I did this, I held her hands and made sure she cannot run away. In my defense, I gave her three M&M candies after she did it. I could have also made her spell the D’ king’s name but her mom took her back to feed her some memory pill nonsense.

·        M Kutty was made to drink plain water and play in the terrace with me. That is, she plays climbing up and down the stairs on her own.  I wrote numbers with chalk piece on the stairs, so she should do addition- subtraction math when she is on it. I supervise her and read a book.  And, for some entertainment – I was even playing Endhiran songs.  I am not that bad, na.

·        I wont attend any car party . What sense did it make for his mom to come home with just two cupcakes?  I did make him rattle names of all those cars and make the vrooooomm sound. ( I also shared the vroommm induction motor joke to his dad, who works with Ford and wished B to become a mechanical engineer)

My logic is simple. I can have conversations, treat them like young ones and be very good. I cannot make them feel extra special, load their egos and act like they are Adam and Eve’s kutty. They are not. The world is so full of children and so many people are busy making some more. Why don’t you just understand that and be normal towards them? Gah to all you folks who find them awww..ssoo..cute!

A Very Important Note – All babies, semi grown-ups and moms addressed in this post are real and not fictional. Any resemblances to second floor kamini’s kid surya or to ground floor vidya’s kid arya are absolutely planned. Just those, none of them live in my apartment. 

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